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How to Tell When Your Favorite Band is
Starting to Suck
By Bob Ignizio
It’s happened to all of us at one time or another. You
go out and buy the latest album from a band or artist you really love and it
sucks. But the descent into suckiness doesn’t just happen overnight. There
are usually warning signs that, if caught early enough, can prevent a tragic
waste of money. While there are exceptions to every one of these rules, in
general I think they hold true..
- The Rule of 10
Most groups or solo artists
have a peak career period of ten years or ten albums, whichever comes
first. That’s not to say that all later material produced after this
expiration date is completely without merit. It’s just that the creative
fires don’t burn as brightly. Sure, a guy like Neil Young or Johnny Cash
might still produce a bonafide classic now and then, but they’re the
exception. And for those who have deluded themselves into believing that
‘Steel Wheels’ is a great Rolling Stones album, or Floyd’s ‘A Momentary
Lapse of Reason’ is every bit as good as ‘Dark Side of the Moon’, please
seek professional help.
- “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
Many people think that when
original members start to leave, a band is through. It’s much more
complicated than that. It really depends on who’s coming and going. A
highly motivated, creative person who wants to be a part of the band can add
years to their lifespan. The real clue that losing a member is going to
ruin a band is when their replacement isn’t even treated as part of the
group. Musicians in these situations often display all the passion of your
average convenience store clerk, and who can blame them? When there are
more musicians on stage at a concert who aren’t members of the band than
are, you’re really in trouble. Examples of this include the current
line-ups of The Stones, R.E.M., and Pink Floyd.
- “We’re exploring new sounds.”
Worried about losing touch
with the times, and more importantly losing income, veteran rockers will
sometimes make an embarrassing attempt at staying hip. This happened on a
major scale when grunge became a big trend and many of the hair bands that
ruled the eighties suddenly tried to sound like Alice in Chains. Along the
same lines is something I call “The Graceland Syndrome” in honor of the Paul
Simon album. That’s when rich white guys suddenly develop an affinity for
the music of exotic foreign locales. This is usually accompanied by quotes
like, “The Zamboni are a wonderful tribe of pygmy cannibals who have a lot
to teach us.”
- Two things you never discuss: Religion and Politics
Religious conversion may
arguably make for a better person, but it seldom makes a better artist.
When a musician converts to a new religion they want to share the experience
with everyone through song, regardless of whether they have anything new or
interesting to say on the subject. Besides, rock ‘n’ roll is the devil’s
music. Even in the beginning rock lyrics were about sex, booze, drugs,
murder, gambling, and other fun vices. If you’re grounded in your faith
before you embark on a rock career, this doesn’t necessarily apply (eg
Trouble, Johnny Cash).
Bands that write about
political topics are fine so long as the lyricist knows what he or she is
talking about and can convey it in an entertaining way. When a band
starts to believe they really are politicians, however, they have clearly
developed an over-inflated sense of their own importance. This is often
accompanied by the donning of silly-looking sunglasses and huge mega tours
complete with multiple TV screens. I’m not saying that being politically
active is a bad thing. It’s just that if you’re putting all you energy
into, say, getting the debts of third world countries forgiven, you don’t
have much left to put into your music.
- Contractual obligation comes alive.
At one time, it was almost
mandatory to release live albums. Nowadays, when even chain mall stores
carry a few bootlegs, the official live album is pretty much dead. About
the only time you’ll ever see a label sanctioned live album any more is just
before or just after a band has been dropped from their roster. This can
happen for a lot of reasons, but one of the reasons is the band has begun to
suck. The record company, being a business, would rather dump a cheap live
album on the market than spend the money necessary for a new studio disc
that they think will bomb. Again, this happened a lot during the transition
between hair metal and grunge.
- “We had so much good material we didn’t want to
leave any of it off.”
This only applies to bands
in the post-CD age. Two disc sets of new studio material are always a bad
idea. In the old days, an album was 30-40 minutes long, so a double was
about the length of the average CD today. Even at the shorter length, most
double albums usually have more filler than one would like. Now multiply
that by two and you wind up with something like ‘Use Your Illusion’. When
an artists’ ego gets so big that they can no longer tell the difference
between a killer cut and a ‘B’ side, the only way to help them regain
perspective is by not purchasing their self indulgent “masterpiece”.
- “We’re paying tribute to our influences.”
Speaking of Guns ‘n’ Roses,
let’s talk about albums of cover material. Now, the occasional cover song
as a B-side, concert surprise, or even on an album (so long as it fits well)
is not a bad thing. On the other hand, an entire album of covers says to
me, “I have no ideas at this time, so please buy this so I can keep making
money while I search for inspiration.” With the occasional exception, the
cover albums usually aren’t all that hot, either. Even when a cover album
is good, like Metallica’s ‘Garage Days’, be careful about what comes
afterwards.
- Makeover!
When a band that used to
talk about how they were just like their fans suddenly cuts their hair and
hires an image consultant – watch out. This is usually accompanied by all
kinds of horrible things, like hiring Bob Rock to produce your albums,
testifying in congress about file swapping, and telling your bass player he
can’t do any side projects. Before you know it, your favorite band of
“regular guys” have transformed into a bunch of arrogant assholes. That
would be bad enough, but chances are the group will have lost touch with
what made them great to begin with, and their music will suffer.
- “We felt we owed it to the fans.”
Reunions are always a let
down. Almost without exception they take place out of a need for cash,
plain and simple, and the results reflect this. The Sex Pistols ‘Filthy
Lucre’ tour was at least honest about it, and they didn’t try to foist any
new material on the public. Not so fortunate were fans of The Misfits,
Deep Purple (okay, ‘Perfect Strangers’ was alright, but the rest…), The
Circle Jerks, or Motley Crüe. Everybody’s got to eat, I guess. So do you,
so rather than wasting your money on a disappointing reunion album, go spend
it at Taco Bell.
- “We’re so much more focused now that we’re off the
drugs.”
I don’t condone snorting
half of Peru up your nose, but if that’s what it takes to make an album like
“Toys in the Attic” then do what you’ve got to do. Who wants a squeaky
clean rock god, anyway? Give me a booze guzzling, groupie banging menace to
society. Honestly, there are bands and artists that have all the
creativity they need without drugs, and more power to them. Ozzy Osbourne,
on the other hand, was at his best when hitting the sauce, biting the heads
off bats, and urinating on historic landmarks.
Of course, even as I’m writing this, I’m anxiously
looking forward to reunion albums from Black Sabbath, Voi Vod and Celtic
Frost. I own the two Michael Graves fronted Misfits albums and actually
listen to them. Hawkwind practically went techno and I went along for the
ride. And I’ve taken a wait-and-see attitude towards the next Metallica
album – even if they are assholes these days, I’d forgive it all for another
album like ‘Ride the Lightning’. I may not be able to save myself, but
hopefully it’s not too late for you.
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