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The American Stoner
By Kip Amore
So the other day I'm doing the laundry, and to kill time I'm watching
"Dude, Where's My Car?" I admit it, I giggled a few times.
What the hell. It had it's moments. But, during the spin cycle,
a thought struck me. Every generation has their equivalent of the
stoner movie. Working chronologically, I come up with: The Marx
Brothers, The Three Stooges, Maynard G. Krebbs, Jerry Lewis, Goldie Hawn on
Laugh-In, John Belushi, Jeff Spicoli (Fast Times), Bill and Ted, Shakes the
Clown, and Dude, Where's my Car. There's more, but I can't think of
them because I'm a little tipsy from all the Snuggle I just huffed.
But of the modern stoners, it boils down to Spicoli, Bill and Ted, and
Dude. I f you'll reach back into the primordial ooze of the 80s, you'll
discover something very alarming. Because of the drug climate in 1986,
Bill and Ted never made any drug references, and they never got high
onscreen. That topic was verboten at the time. Just say no.
Dig deeper, and here comes the horror. Bill and Ted weren't stoned,
they were FRIGGIN' IDIOTS! Spicoli was doing bong hits, that's his
excuse. Dude, Where's my Plot had plenty of drugs in it. But
Bill and Ted were 100% straight edge sober MORONS! It changes the
whole mood of the movie. Cheech and Chong were funny because they were
stoned. Without the drugs, Bill and Ted are "most excellent complete
dipshits, 21st century dude".
For me, this was a revelation. What I thought was funny turned out
to a castle made of sand. What other illusions could I shatter, there
in the laundrymat? One is that power steering fluid is really just
overpriced transmission fluid, but I've known that for years. Rob
Halford of Judas Priest was gay and a leather queen? O.J. did it!
Desert Storm was about the price of gas. Red meat is good for you.
Cindy Lauper has a great voice. The state lottery is just a numbers
racket. The dog doesn't love me, he just wants food. I have seen
the light! Bill and Ted were idiots. My mother was right when
she said, "hey stupid, don't you know that Bill and Ted are idiots?"
And because of this, I've decided to worship Satan. Here's my new x-mas
prayer, "Oh great Lucifuge. Deliver us from the hands of the stupid.
Make us not get fooled so easily. Smote those who hoodwink us.
Right the wrongs, incinerate the transgressors, and we'll talk to you again
around Easter."
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