You make a statement like "I think the sniper is a good thing" or "I'm Pro-Sniper" and most people will think you are sick or they'll throw a drink in your face. But I'm sorry; I am friggin' pro sniper and that's my opinion.

Sure it's a terrible thing. You're walking along, minding your own business, maybe coming out of a Wal-mart with a new toaster oven and BAM, a high powered riffle bullet turns your cerebral cortex into malt-o-meal. Sucks. And there's grieving widows and motherless children and so forth to think about.

Everybody in Maryland is going apeshit, not letting their kids go outside for recess, or walking around with helmets on. What they fail to realize is that life is SUPPOSED to be that kind of bullet dodging crapshoot. You are SUPPOSED to live each day expecting to take a headshot at any moment. It's good for the soul. Death is what makes life worth living, isn't it? Immortality would take all the meaning away. As my Dad always said, "Son, no matter how bad you feel, every morning you need to get up, get dressed, brush your teeth, put on a ski mask, grab your automatic weapons and go in the world and make a living."

So what's the big deal? Even if you live in DC, you've got a better chance of dying by pissing on an electric fence than getting whacked by the sniper. Proportionally, it's such a remote possibility that it isn't even worth worrying about. And there's a silver lining; 3 out of 11 targets survive! Better odds than leukemia! Bonus!

But, because we are a bunch of feckless cowards, the poor children can't go outside for recess. This deprives them of some of the great joys of recess, i.e. bullying each other, sexual abuse, conspiring to acquire guns and selling weed to each other. And let's not forget all the circle jerks those kids are going to miss out on. We take safety WAY too seriously. I bet those kids all have to wear those lame bicycle helmets too. Lousy parents. Kid dies, make another one. Up till about 70 years ago, only a few children out of a litter of 12 or 14 survived anyway, and nobody thought that odd. Spotted owls are an endangered species, children are not. In fact, the world is outright lousy with the little pricks.

But I digress.

So I'm all in favor of the sniper, as a mechanism of forced appreciation of life. And by the way, did anyone notice that this random sniper idea was a major subplot of the movie The Jerk? Maybe that's the guy's motive. Or maybe he just hates these people. If you've ever been to DC, can you blame him? Maybe he's just pissed about there not being enough places to park and he's taking a proactive stance. I'm all for it. Every city should have a sniper. We should subsidize them. Or maybe for every lottery winner, we should also name a lottery loser and kill that guy. If the lottery included that idea, I might even play it. Random and chaotic - that's what life is all about. How about having one seat on every plane that's a random ejector seat, hurling you out into the void. Or how about purposely poisoning one bottle of Tylenol in a million. I'm all for that. If you lived in a world like that, imagine how great you'd feel just waking up in the morning.