Utter Trash--Movies

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since July 2002

‘An-Thor-Logy’ (2005, Smogveil)

Various directors

Now this is how you do a retrospective music DVD. ‘An-Thor-Logy’ covers the career of body builder/rocker/actor Thor from 1976 to 1985, with a few extra bits and pieces from more recent days in the bonus section. There are TV appearances, music videos (some pre-MTV), live footage, commercials, and interview segments. Plus, there’s a commentary track by the man himself in which he provides background detail about what you’re watching, as well as relating interesting and frequently amusing stories from his 30 year career. The only thing missing is a trailer or two from his films like ‘Recruits’ and ‘Zombie Nightmare’, although I’m guessing rights issues might have been the reason for that.

The disc starts off with my favorite segment. Thor live on the ‘Merv Griffin Show’ in 1976. Honestly, I don’t think you can get more seventies than this. Thor comes out sporting a cape, skimpy outfit, and fantastic seventies mustache. He performs Sweet’s “Action” with Merv’s house band providing the backing and an arrangement better suited to Tom Jones than hard rock. While singing, Thor strips down to just his shorts and boots, then stops in the middle of the song to blow up a hot water bottle until it explodes. And without skipping a beat, jumps back in to finish the song. Priceless.

It also sums up the best thing about Thor, in my opinion. He’s a showman, but he doesn’t take himself too seriously. Even in his eighties incarnation as heavy metal warrior, he still takes time out to appear on a Canadian comedy show and New Jersey’s bizarre kids program ‘Uncle Floyd’. Aside from the Merv appearance, Thor is backed up by a real hard rock band for his other clips, and there’s some real gems here. “Keep the Dogs Away” and “Sleeping Giant” are great seventies glam rock songs, and later, heavier material like “Thunder on the Tundra” and “Anger” holds its own against better known hard rockers from the era. All in all it’s a great overview of a guy who, while never a full blown rock superstar, nonetheless made some good music and earned a devoted cult following along the way. (Bob Ignizio)

‘Doll Graveyard’ (2005, Full Moon)

Directed by Charles Band

‘Doll Graveyard’ follows the standard Full Moon formula to a tee. Creepy, cool looking miniature monsters (this time it’s dolls, sometimes its puppets, and occasionally something like the Homunculus seen in ‘Decadent Evil’, which still looks about the same as the dolls and the puppets) go on a killing spree for some arbitrary reason. Attractive looking young people act stupid and get killed with enough gore to earn an ‘R’ rating, but not so much as to turn off the mainstream cable audience. Hey, it’s always worked before, so why mess with it? Full Moon definitely has their devoted fans, and I think most of them will be pleased with this. It’s not on a par with the better ‘Puppet Master’ films, but it delivers the goods in the usual professional looking, competent manner they’ve come to expect.

Anyway, the basic plot involves the ghost of a little girl who was forced to bury her dolls in the backyard by her asshole father sometime around the early 1900s. Dad accidentally kills the girl, and since there’s already a hole handy decides to toss her in. In the present, a high school freshman boy digs up one of the dolls and adds it to his action figure collection. The boy’s sister invites a couple of her friends over (and a couple guys show up uninvited) and lots of eighties teen movie style plot takes place. Finally the spirit of the dead girl cause all the dolls to start walking around, and she also begins possessing the boy. People behave stupidly so because if they didn’t there’s no frickin’ way 6” high dolls would be much of a threat. Without giving away too much, that pretty well sums it up.

So no, this isn’t anything to write home about. It exists to serve its purpose as a fun little time waster to catch on cable or rent from the video store for people who actually want to watch a cheap and cheesy horror movie that still has some degree of professional sheen. And for the most part, ‘Doll Graveyard’ does exactly what it’s supposed to do. It’s short and sweet (about 75 minutes), has a fair amount of action and blood, and doesn’t take itself too seriously. For the intended audience (which is definitely not serious horror fans), this should be passably entertaining. (Bob Ignizio)

‘Guys’ (2005, 216 Films)

Directed by Joe Ostrica

Whaddaya’ know, an independently made low budget film from Ohio that doesn’t involve zombies, vampires, or serial killers. Rather than go the horror route, Cleveland area filmmaker Joe Ostrica has crafted a fun little slice of life comedy about, well, guys. The movie concerns four friends: one a married guy, one about to get hitched, and the other two caught in varying degrees of permanent adolescence. The four get together to drink and talk, and humorous situations arise naturally out of the characters.

Like I said, this is a slice of life movie. It has the same kind of feel as indie comedies like ‘The Brothers McMullen’. The plot is the sort of thing one might expect to see in a sitcom, but handled with subtlety and believability instead of the broad strokes of TV comedy. There’s no big message and little in the way of wacky hi-jinks, it just feels real. Because of that, good acting is essential. Thankfully all four leads are solid. Bryan Jalovec especially stands out as the biggest loser of the group, and gets the best laughs. Most of the supporting cast is decent, too, although a few bit players come across a bit stilted.

‘Guys’ is only 30 minutes long, and although it works well enough as is, it’s easy to see how it could be expanded into a feature length film. It’s sort of the cinematic equivalent of a good band demo. Ostrica shows he has the skills necessary to make a professional looking movie, and this short is compelling enough to make you want to see what happens to these characters. For more info, go to http://www.216films.com. (Bob Ignizio)

'Nightstalker' (2002, Columbia/Tristar)

Directed by Chris Fisher

Lately, it seems that every well known serial killer from the past is getting a straight to video made about them. Some of them, for the most part, are pretty well done (‘Ed Gein’) and some of them (‘The Zodiac Killer’) are pretty damn bad. This one falls in the middle. Richard Ramirez killed many people in the Los Angeles area in the mid 80's. This movie shows his story and the story of the police detectives that were searching for him. The movie moves along at a fairly good pace, the scenes divided between scenes of the Nightstalker and the detectives chasing him.

There is definitely some iffy acting, like the main white lead detective, who hams if up as the typical "this is a male only job". Also, the lady who plays the reporter sucks, too. The guy who plays Richard Ramirez is pretty good, though, which is a major plus since the movie would completely bomb if he had done a poor job. On the other hand, Danny Trejo, a proven good actor, is completely horrible here, overacting and under acting like a moron. His game as a beer drinking patrol officer is just plain bad and took a lot of seriousness away from the movie.

That brings me to the movie's major downfall. The bizarre "Nightstalker-vision". I guess in an attempt to show the madness of the Nightstalker, the director decided to make a lot of his scenes in this weird, jumpy, shaky camera work style that is so annoying, I almost turned the movie off multiple times. I understand that some guy went bugfuck and killed a lot of people but I could have done without the obnoxious camera work which tries to show that. Also, he sees this devil beast thing, which is a cool idea, but he is part of the nasty camera mess, so I have to hate it. The gore is aftermath stuff, for the most part.

Overall, this is a decent video item, which is taken down fifteen notches because of the camera work. Some of the factual stuff is altered, most likely for dramatic effect, and that is plain stupid if you ask me. Also, the female lead is completely fictional. The foot job scene is funny though, especially when the hooker calls the Nightstalker a pussy. Before the movie starts we are notified that this was an official Cannes selection one year. Right. I'd sooner believe that JFK and Elvis are still alive. (Edward Black)