“My Big Fat Gay Marriage”
By Malka
Does anyone recognize how strained and feeble the
contention is that our Creator meant to pair “Adam and Eve, not Adam and
Steve”? Yeah, and we were also forbidden to taste of the Tree of Knowledge:
apparently the homophobes are following that precept to the letter. Women
are incessantly criticized for using visceral arguments born of wild
feelings and a dearth of logic. As one of those purportedly irrational
creatures, I ask that these self-consecrated, goose-stepping ass-dandies
filter emotionalism out of their own false logic and stop disputing like a
bunch of little girls squawking, “You’re a bad person because I don't like
you.”
Gay marriage isn't going to destroy our time-honored
social practice of binding ourselves legally to those we will later come to
hate. Modern medical practice, and the longevity that results, is to blame.
If only more people would perish during childbirth and senseless duels, like
in the good old days, we wouldn’t have a divorce rate. Given our
predilection for violence and reproducing our noxious genes, absolutely no
one would live long enough to grow despicable to one another. Maybe instead
of rationalizing that married gay people are rending some precious fabric of
our society by seeking wedlock, we should implement a policy that euthanizes
spouses once their children can support themselves.
The marriage institution is also threatened by economic
problems, which are caused by policies favoring the rich. While working like
slaves at demeaning and unrewarding tasks, the middle and working classes
are denied valuable free time. They become short tempered and
argumentative, and so they are much less inclined to sexually connect with
their mates. This population segment is the only one to bother with intimate
spousal relations anyhow, as the rich only screw those who aren’t family.
Let’s just neuter the wealthy and make them do all of the work. Regular folk
need an abundance of quality time to roll around in bed, and only then will
marriage be taken more seriously.
I have the secret to forcing the gays to stop using
marriage as a form of cheaper health insurance: make health insurance
cheaper! I would marry Jabba the Fucking Hutt if I thought it would lower my
goddamn rates. Hell, I almost did. Do people really think that gay folk are
going to destroy the institution of holy wedlock by joining the same
practice as the swarms of uninsured heteros that have gone before them? Yes,
here is proof that many victims of Shaken Baby Syndrome go on to lead
productive lives as self-proclaimed political pundits.
Finally, and most significantly to these village
idiots, is the contention that marriage is solely for producing and raising
children. Well, considering the fact that the world functions as a factory
of unwanted babies, and that redistribution of this overproduction would be
beneficial to all, why not let gay people purchase some of these kids? I’d
rather be raised by two daddies with excellent decorating taste than by one
rigid festering bible licker with an ossified giraffe’s neck lodged up his
sanctimonious ass. His rules of yesterday no longer apply. Perhaps one would
wish us to go back to the days of phrenology, leech therapy, and disabling
corsets as well, but this, too, would be maladaptive.
Stop wrapping America’s nervous mind around bullshit
that doesn’t matter. The argument that gay people have a nefarious plan to
subvert marriage to promote their own evil gay agenda is execrable. As if
any minority has that much power. Damn, I just rolled my eyes so fiercely
that they got stuck in the upper passes of my sockets and can’t be
dislodged. Why are we letting our nation be run by a bunch of crackhead
conspiracy theorists? A group that isn’t marginalized has much less interest
in destroying the society that supports it. First it was bitched that the
gays were too promiscuous and were spreading crotch cooties like wildfire.
Now they’re being criticized for trying to form stable relationships. I just
can’t discern any plausibly argued reason why they shouldn’t have the
potential to be as married and miserable as the rest of us.
I’m not gay, I’m Malka, and you’re watching your IQ go
down the toilet.
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