Why I Miss the Commies

By  Kip Amore

As your legally elected neighborhood alcoholic, I have certain duties and obligations to perform. Aside from knocking things over and pissing in your bushes, my primary function is to sit on a barstool with my fellow alcoholics and figure out the world's problems. I am happy to inform you that the drunk committee is ready to submit its bi-annual report.

We drunkards have noticed that our society has a built-in form of checks and balances. It turns out that the people, the average schmo, absolutely MUST have something to hate and fear. Elsewise he goes ape shit and invents something. Up until recently we had that boogeyman in the form of the commies. A whole wonderful mythological world of hating and fearing the commies. They even had an evil looking flag! We as a society could all get behind the idea of hating the commies, stopping the commie expansion, ferreting out the angry red menace in Hollywood, frying the Rosenbergs, fucking with the Cubans over that missile thing, duck and cover, peace thru strength, and finally the whole Star Wars defense system idea.  Even the commie leaders were caricatures of evil - Stalin had the funny mustache, Khrushchev with the shoe, Brezhnev with the Brooke Shields mono-brow, and Gorbachev with the menstrual stain on his head. How convenient!

But alas, the commies are gone. What has happened in their wake? The first thing we did, since we were lacking a boogeyman, was to come up with the idea of political correctness. From that came persecuting smokers, vilifying drug dealers, crucifying anyone connected with a sexual crime (womanizers, sexists, sexual harassers, and kiddie porn enthusiasts). But we definitely reserved a special seat for drunk drivers. I don't know if you know this or not, but the EXACT same amount of people are driving around drunk right now as they were in 1950, 1960, 1970, and so on. The exact same percentage of those people get in accidents, and the exact same percentage make it home without incident. Remember Otis from the Andy Griffith show? He'd get drunk, borrow the squad car, then let himself in and out of the jail cell to dry out. Nobody thought twice about it because we were all busy ferreting out communists. Otis didn't give up the sauce - he's still a member of our society.

But, lacking commies to worry about, we worry about the drunk driver. What used to be a traffic ticket has now actually become a social stigma. It'll cost you thousands to get popped for a DUI. You'll do three days in an already overcrowded jail. You'll lose your license for 6 months, and you'll end up wearing a safety orange jumpsuit picking up beer cans on the side of the road (dig the irony in that!). As of a few months ago, a cop can actually arrest you for driving while SMELLING of alcohol. I know this guy who honest to god got a DUI while bicycling! Instead of getting a DUI, you might as well just cornhole an altar boy - society will treat you about the same. Of course, if you cornhole an altar boy you won't have to pick up the beer cans.

So what has changed? The answer is simply our PERCEPTION of evil. As I say, the roads are full of drunks, just like they always were. All because of the fall of communism. Damn it. I say give us back the commies. As a special addendum to this drunkard report, we submit the following hypothesis: once we lower the BAC level to .00001, and once we raise the drinking age to 30, tax all the bars out of existence, and end the scourge of alcohol, what will we have left to hate and fear? This is where you kind of have to let your mind wander a bit. I figure the smokers are next. You won't be able to smoke anywhere. A pack of fags will cost upwards of $10 (and note that I will be right there selling bootleg cigarettes out of the trunk of my car). After we've killed the drunk and the smoker, I figure we'll go after fat people. Fat folks will have to pay extra for airline seats, they won't be allowed in restaurants, a fat fuck won't be able to get health insurance. Then I figure we'll strike against the meat eaters. Goddamn carnivores. You won't even be able to get a burger at McDonalds - nothing but salad, tofu, and fancy French cheese. After that we kill all the smart people, all the white males, all the people with acne, etc etc. Think about it - 50 years after the demise of communism all that will be left will be a bunch of scrawny non-smoking lesbians eating brie and drinking bottled water. What fun!

Your friendly neighborhood alcoholic committee has a recommendation. I say we roll together all the money we spend on anti-smoking billboards and fancy breathalyzers, and just flat out GIVE it to the commies. Then at least we can all relax a little.