Utter Trash--Movies

Dumping
garbage on the
side of the
information
super highway
since July 2002

Directed by Yolanda Squatpump/John Treacy

This is the second in Tempe’s ‘Bad Movie Police’ series, and it’s even worse than ‘Galaxy of Dinosaurs’. Once again the new intro segment directed by John Treacy and starring Lilith Stabs and Ariauna Albright is the best part of this disc. Unfortunately that’s only about 10 minutes. ‘Chick Boxer’ itself only runs an hour, and offers proof that time really is relative. For instance, an hour of having bamboo splinters shoved under your fingernails would probably go by faster than an hour spent watching this movie. About the only thing of even moderate interest in ‘Chick Boxer’ is a gratuitous simulated sex scene towards the end featuring Michelle Bauer. It’s a pointless addition to give this movie some kind of exploitation angle, since as an action film it’s a complete and utter failure. Of course, the fact that ‘Chick Boxer’ is so bad is exactly what will make it fun for some people. If you’re an MST3K fan, get a couple buddies together to watch this while taking turns playing Joel (or Mike if you prefer) and the ‘bots. But be warned – this makes ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ and ‘The Skydivers’ look good. (Bob Ignizio)

‘Beyond Re-Animator’ (Lions Gate, 2003)

Directed by Brian Yuzna

My feelings on this latest installment in the saga of mad doctor Herbert West (Jeffrey Coombs) can best be summed up as, “not as bad as I feared, not as good as I hoped.” The original ‘Re-Animator’ was one of the last classics of full-blooded eighties horror and has a special place in the heart of any horror fan that has seen it. The first sequel, ‘Bride of Re-Animator’, was moderately enjoyable but nonetheless a big step down. ‘Beyond…’ never quite reaches the same heights of inspired depravity as the original, but at least it makes a good effort. As far as I can tell there’s no unrated version of this film available, but somehow a surprising amount of gore and offensive material made it into the R-rated cut on this disc. It’s just not as cleverly executed as similar material in ‘Re-Animator’.

The setting is a maximum security prison run by sadistic warden Brando (Simon Andreu). Herbert West is an inmate, and despite less than optimal conditions he has been continuing his experiments in raising the dead on small animals, including the pet of another prisoner. Howard Phillips (named after H.P. Lovecraft, the author of the source story, and played by Jason Barry) is the new prison doctor. When he was a child he saw his sister murdered by one of West’s early test subjects. The police showed up and dispatched the walking corpse, but in the confusion young Howard picked up a syringe full of West’s glowing green re-agent that was conveniently dropped. Rather than seeking revenge on West, Howard wants to help him continue with his experiments. But the investigations of Laura (Elsa Pataky), a nosy reporter/love interest for Howard, threaten to blow the lid off the morbid goings-on. It should come as no surprise that eventually all hell breaks loose.

The screenplay is pretty solid for a modern horror film, probably because it more or less follows the original with a few alterations for the prison setting. But hey, when was having something fresh to say ever a prerequisite for making a sequel? Less forgivable are several instances where Howard behaves so stupidly that you want to punch him. Also, Howard and Laura apparently both suffer from “accelerated movie romance syndrome”, an affliction which causes characters who have just met to fall hopelessly in love and start humping like jack rabbits within five minutes of seeing each other for the first time, and to have a deep “soul mate” level relationship by the end of their first day together. I can suspend my disbelief to accept that injecting glow-stick juice into a corpse could conceivably bring it back to life, but don’t ask me to swallow such clichéd pseudo romantic twaddle. In the end, however, this is a fun horror movie for anyone who misses the golden days of splatter cinema. While it probably won’t become a classic, I had a good time watching it. (Bob Ignizio)

'Bubba Ho Tep' (MGM, 2003)

Directed by Don Coscarelli

I have seen much publicity about this movie and most mentions of it say something along the lines of, "The New Bruce Campbell Movie Directed by the Guy Who Made Phantasm". That phrase sends the mind reeling, imaging all sorts of promising horror ideas. Then you find out the plot is about Bruce Campbell defending a nursing home against a rampaging mummy. Then you go and see it and find out that is it barely a horror movie. In fact, it is mostly a comedy. And in this case it is a great comedy.

Bruce Campbell stars as Elvis, now living in a retirement home in Texas. His only friend is JFK, played by Ossie Davis. These two soon find out that there is a recently resurrected mummy prowling the halls of their home, sucking the souls from everyone he can, from "any open orifice". So, in order to avoid "waking up with the mummy's lips around their assholes", they devise a plan to stop the mummy.

This is such a great comedy. The interaction between Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis is great. They both have a bunch of great lines and the look on Bruce's face after the "they dyed me this color" line is the best ever. This definitely isn't regular run of the mill humor either, as a lot of the jokes have to do with death, dying, corpses or some sort of foul mouth humor. That is all fine with me though. It works fantastically here. The performances are all top notch, especially from Bruce, who a lot of people never considered more than a cheesy B-Movie guy. Here he’s excellent. There are also a bunch of flashbacks, which I normally hate. They work great here, though, filling in the story and letting you know what led up to the current events.

This movie will most likely never make it to any major theatre. In fact, I saw it at a small indie theatre, where it doesn't look like it will be there for long. It's a shame too because the movie has been winning all sorts of awards in various film festivals, but apparently that means nothing, because most of the comedy that makes it into the regular theatres is usually far from fun or funny. I strongly urge you to go see this. I couldn't find one flaw about it. It's a comedy that delivers more than the expected laughs. And that is way more than I could have ever asked for. (Edward Black)

'Christmas Season Massacre' (Sub Rosa, 2003)

Directed by Jeremy Wallace

I’m glad to see this was made earlier than the other Jeremy Wallace feature (‘The Undertow’) sent to me by Sub Rosa. ‘The Undertow’, while flawed, showed promise. ‘Christmas Season Massacre’, on the other hand, is downright awful. Personally, if I were Wallace, I wouldn’t have let this see the light of day. It’s like a painter showing the crayon drawings he made when he was 6 to the public. This is supposed to be a comedy, but there was nothing in it to make me even crack a smile.

I’m not even going to dignify this with a plot synopsis. Honestly, folks, I try to go easy on ultra low budget flicks. I’m willing to cut the amateur actors considerable slack and put up with cheap production values. For proof, just look at my review of ‘The Deep Dark Woods’. That movie was made for probably about five dollars, but the screenplay had some genuinely funny jokes and the overall result was reasonably entertaining. I’m not sure if ‘Christmas Season Massacre’ even had a screenplay. It feels like some of the dialogue was just improvised by the cast. As for entertainment value, I found none. I suppose gore fanatics might enjoy some of the bloody effects, but how many times can you watch someone fondle cow organs covered in corn syrup and red food color and find it interesting? (Bob Ignizio)