Halloween: Fun Holiday or Satanic Pep-Rally?

By Kip Amore

I've noticed in the last decade or so that most of the holidays have really started to change.  It never occurred to me that holidays would have to change with the times.  I thought they were eternal and immutable.  But what the hell, let 'em change.  I think the last time anything new and exciting happened with holidays was either Martin Luther King Day (a minor holiday at best, no theme songs) or when Nixon made all the national holidays fall on a Monday so we could have a three day weekend.  You didn't know that, did ya?  That was nigh on 1972 or so.

Here's the state of the modern holiday:

Thanksgiving - used to be a big deal.  I remember not even being able to find a gas station open on this day back in the 70s.  Now, I think you can get your lawnmower serviced on this particular Thursday.  Maybe it's the rise of vegans that has doomed Thanksgiving.  Who cares, it was a shitty holiday anyhow.  Falling asleep on a couch in front of a football game with a gut full of cranberries.  One upshot, the monster drunken binge that happens on Wednesday night is the biggest night of the year in the bar business.  Didn't know that, did ya?  Also, Thanksgiving is basically a pre-holiday to the Biggest Shopping Day of the Year on the day after.  A great day to go to the mall and cause trouble.

New Years Eve - in the great flip-flop, this used to be an adult holiday and now it's a kid's holiday.  Here in Akron, adults think it's fun to drag their snot nosed brats around downtown, seeing bad ballet dancing and bad music.  Then the little pricks fall asleep, and the parents walk for hours to find their mini-vans while they are cold and SOBER.  What the fuck is that?  New Years used to be all about liver damage and marital infidelity.  In fact, I understand that it used to be mainly about dressing up in costumes.  Didn't know that, did ya?

Halloween - this used to be a holiday for kids.  The kids would run around and collect candy from all the pedophiles in the neighborhood.  Your mother used to inspect all your candy because she heard someone put razor blades in it.  That story, by the way, is a complete urban legend and never even remotely happened.  Didn't know that, did ya?  Think about it; what kind of dipshit would put razor blades in candy?  He'd be pretty easy to find and arrest wouldn't he?

Anyway, today Halloween is a holiday for young adults to dress up in costumes and get drunk. It is also a holiday celebrating the spirit of evil, which is a good thing really.  Think about it, your Aunt Hilda comes up with something like "wouldn't it be fun if I paint you in fake blood and give you a severed rotting hand?  Then we'll cover you in entrails and make fake eyes out of hard boiled eggs.  Then you could jump out of the mini-van and scare the living shit out of people". All hail the evil.

St. Patrick's Day - apparently, this used to be a religious holiday of some sort.  Now it's just an excuse to drink.  And that's what holidays are really for.  Turns out St. Patrick wasn't even Irish. Didn't know that, did ya?  Aside from the booze, this holiday is now somehow connected to letting gay people march in the parade.  I must admit, I didn't see that one coming.

Easter - this one's been on the skids for years.  Even when I was a kid back in the 70s the adults were like "ahh, fuck that shit".  Easter is really more like Halloween than anything else.  I understand that the idea  is that Jesus, who everyone thought was dead, rises from the grave to fly around and glow or something, and generally he haunts the living for a little while and then flies off to heaven or some such thing.  They should definitely give Jesus the candy for this effort.

4th of July - Here's another no-brainer.  We celebrate the birth of our country by blowing shit up.  Great!  Honesty in a holiday.  And there's drinking too.  And gay people march and nobody thinks anything of it.  Again, this used to be holiday for kids, but now it's more just an excuse to drink.  And blow shit up.  By the way, that Francis Scott Keys guy ripped the melody for the Star Spangled Banner off of some folk song.  Didn't know that, did ya?

and finally…

Christmas - this one is great for a lot of reasons.  First of all, you've got the pagan Satanic tree worship thing. T hat's where it came from.  Didn't know that, did ya?  Then you've got a holiday worshiping the spirit of greed and consumerism.  That's fine; turns out that's what Christmas was about all along.  "Look Burt, mah lip's bleedin' and…aww fuck you where's my gift?"

Here's something weird; when I was a kid there wasn't a goddamn thing open on x-mas.  Then as the 80s wore on, a lot of things were open.  Now, you can't find anything open again.  Two years ago I had to go to an  x-mas eve party of some people I couldn't stand, simply because I couldn't find a place to get anything to eat.  Not a gas station, fast food place, nothing was open.  Not even a Denny's.  What?  Did all you fuckers get religion or something while I wasn't looking?

Mother's Day/Father's Day - these are bullshit holidays and were made up by greeting card companies.  Didn't know that, did ya?

Fat Tuesday - here's another new one.  This holiday went from zero to 100 in five years.  Chicks show you their tits.  What's not to like about this.  We need more of these!  Actually, this is a Catholic holiday.  Didn't know that, did ya?  It's the last day before Lent where you have to give up everything fun in your life.  So you're to go out and sin like crazy before it starts.  So it's sort of like a loophole thing.

Take heart, I'm looking through my calendar and it lists all sorts of fucked up holidays in other countries.  So it isn't just us.  July 20th is Ocean Day in Japan.  Isn't Japan an island?  Wouldn't every day be Ocean Day?  November 22nd is Day of Prayer and Repentance in Germany.  No shit, I couldn't make that up.  No wonder their pornos are so weird.