Got Music?
by Brian
Dempsey
Ok, Look.
I'm only writing this article because A: I promised Bob one more. B: I love
working for free. Anyway... Let's see..... What should I write about for a
final article. Bush? Naw. We all hate him. Would be redundant and obvious.
The War? Which one? I could write about how Cleveland is run by Blacks and
Jews but then Bob wouldn't print it. Let's see.... The Indians suck. OK. We
all agree. Jeez... This is harder than I thought. I used to just have
something that pissed me off pop into my head, sit down at the old keyboard
and out it would come like a big turd you were hanging onto for a week.
Well.... A turd with a spell checker. Now I find this hard. Maybe it's all
the pressure of being Bob's last article. Or maybe it's the fact that you
little maggots only read Utter Trash to see if we wrote about your crappy
band!
That's it!
That's my article! Crappy Bands! Cleveland is full of them. Wanna know how I
know? I used to book them for 20 years. I invented The Cleveland
Underground, Ran Biggies, Flash's, did many shows at The Phantasy,
Peabody's, The La Salle Theatre, The Odeon, The Real Agora and the crappy
new one, The Akron Agora, The Cleveland Cafe... The list goes on & on. My
specialty was original music. I never booked a cover band in my life. It was
against my religion. We had a good run in the mid-eighties I must admit.
Bands like Slam Bamboo, The Adults, Mr. Sensible, Joy Circuit, Carsickness,
Messages, and the incredible 8 Ball. There were also all of Bill Peters'
bands like Breaker, Shok Paris, Destructor and fun bands like Hostile Omish,
The Floyd Band and The Pink Holes. Great stuff! I pushed and pushed local
club owners to book these bands on weekends and got either a Thursday night
or a door slammed in my face. Only the Phantasy, Peabody's and the Euclid
Tavern would book original bands in Cleveland on a weekend.
Well today,
like everything in Bushville, Original Music has been dumbed-down and
exploited by the corporate "haves" of this world. Somewhere along the way
they (the cheesy club owners) figured out that original music equaled FREE
entertainment. They could pay the "door" and get a band. No more paying
guarantees to a union band with a manager who would pack your sports bar
playing Bruce Springsteen covers or do a tribute to Rush. In the last seven
years or so it's been even worse. "Lets' get 10 bands a night, have them
sell tickets to all their friends and relatives and pack the bar for FREE!"
Or... let's charge them $300.00 to use the "room". They could keep the (uh
hum) profit after highly inflated sound and security costs. Oy! Such a Deal!
I play some shithole that nobody would want to see anybody play in and then
have to drain my bank account after working all night because 12 people
showed up on a Saturday. Meanwhile, the corner bar up the street is packed
with no entertainment because the staff there has a personality and people
actually like hanging out there.
In the
eighties, the few clubs that did allow original music had STANDARDS. There
were so few opportunities to play that you had to be good. You'd send in
demo tapes. Other bands would go to bat for you and get you to open for
them. Agents like myself would call club owners like Michele at the Phantasy
and say "Hey Mish, I got a good one for you!” Now, I'm afraid there are no
standards. Everybody plays! Nobody gets paid, nobody cares, but everybody
gets to play and have a "show". Whoopteedoo!
I just got a
spam from those scumbuckets at Undercurrents. Like anybody is going to walk
into Cleveland and sign a band on the spot. Bands get signed when they sell
lots of records on their own label, tour regionally, build huge followings
and create a buzz like Mushroomhead did. Then record execs send out the
dogs. Not when you're being exploited to pay an entrance fee to play some
hokey SXSW festival wannabe at bars that don't even promote original music
during the year. It's not a one shot thing. Your band isn't Marilyn Monroe
sitting at a drug store soda fountain. Wise up! You gotta be good. Damn
good! And original. And I don't mean write your own stuff. I mean have your
own sound. All the bands I mentioned that were so good in the eighties had
that problem. Slam Bamboo was Duran Duran. Mr. Sensible was Oingo Boingo.
Breaker was UFO. And I hate to say... 8 Ball was Living Colour. A really
good copy but still....
One more
thing about getting signed. You must have your business in order. This means
no drunks, no drug addicts, no felons, no egomaniacs, no abusing other band
members. A label will sniff that stuff out for miles and you'll be cut off
the list faster than a hated stepchild at the reading of Rich Uncle Bob's
will. This happened to my own great local band which I won't mention. Our
singer was an abusive drunk. He terrorized band members and roadies and
everyone in his path and was a bitch to work with. We all stayed because he
was an extremely talented songwriter and nothing like this would ever be
available in Cleveland again. We all thought we could fix him or things
would smooth out. As with all drunks, he could be a wonderful and charming
person and great friend too. We all did the Ying Yang for years. We got a
pube away from signing to a major MAJOR label. They found out about him
through local gossip (yes... they send out spies) and dropped us like a Sean
Preston Spears. That was it. So now, I'm writing articles for free to
enlighten you guys instead of getting sexual favors from Tara Reid, etc.....
Anyway,
here's the deal. Listen to your shit. Listen OBJECTIVELY. Would you buy it?
Would you pay $30.00, stand in a long line and then get treated like shit
all night by bouncers to see it? Would you play it more than your favorite
album of all time? Would you play it for Tara Reid and still have a chance
of getting laid? If the answer is yes, you're either a huge egomaniac, have
a tin ear or might actually have something there. I hope it's the third but
my guys in Vegas say you suck. You're from
Cleveland
and odds say you suck. Let's break it down..... Michael Stanley, Eric
Carmen, The Raspberries with Eric Carmen, The Euclid Beach Band, Wild
Cherry. Wow! What a musical legacy! OK. I'll give you Mushroomhead, Hostile
Omish, Floyd Band, and the Pink Holes cause at least they are fun! The
rest... prove it! I have magical powers. It's called being a musician for 42
years. I can tell if you suck in 15 seconds. Send me tapes, cd's, mp3,
whatever you got. Since I don't want any pipe bombs, you can send them to
Bob Ignizio and he'll forward them to me. Include your email and phone. If
you suck, I'll tell you and if you're good I'll give what advice I can to
help you. Why would I do this? Because I love music. Good Music! Got any????
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