I was thinking about this the other day, while I was stealing toilet paper from the local McDonalds.  Hey call me cheap, but fast food restaurants are your number 1 source for household consumables, condiments, toiletries and coke spoons.  Too bad they don't have the little stamped aluminum ashtrays anymore. Or that Styrofoam clamshell thing that kept pot fresh for weeks.  So I was thinking back to when I was a kid and you wanted to make a long distance call.  A young whippersnapper like yourself probably doesn't remember this, but back then you used to pay like $3 a minute (in 1978 dollars man) to call long distance.  You could save a bit if you called after 2 am. I remember my family used to send LETTERS to each other saying what time we were going to call, and to wake everyone up and gather them around the phone for a quick kibbutz because it was so damn expensive.  Eventually, we as a family would sneak over to my step dad's workplace and call on the company dime.  Oh what luxury - talk as long as you fucking want!  Back then, if you needed a phone you went to a Ma Bell owned phone store.  No shit, a store with nothing but the same rotary bakelite phones that you had to buy.  Dude, it was the stone age. 

But then, lo around 1982, Ronald Reagan (remember that schumck?) broke up the phone company monopoly.  Divestiture is what it's called.  Quite possibly the only good thing he EVER did.  Turns out that competition REALLY improves the breed. I f you skip ahead 10 years, now the magical phone device is truly magical.  I give Ma Bell's breakup full credit for all the fucked up things you can do with a phone now that you couldn't do before: cell phones, call waiting, call forwarding, multiple rings, multiple lines in the house, voice mail, voice mail trees, hold music, fax machines, pagers, modems, automatic callbacks, *69, call blocking, 976 porno fuck lines, 3 way calling, video phones, caller ID, answering machines, flat rates, choosing a long distance carrier, choosing a local carrier.  Man, dig all the groovy things your damn phone can do now!

Remember, all of the above innovations are not due to flashy advances in computer technology; all that tech existed in 1978. All those fabulous features come strictly from competition among phone service providers.  That's the American Way, baby.  Building a better mousetrap.  In the last couple of years, they have begun the preliminary steps to do the exact same thing to the electric companies, and also the natural gas companies.  So here's the chance for your mind to really get some exercise, and this is what I was thinking about while stuffing my pockets with napkins and ketchup packs.

1. What the fuck will be new and exciting in natural gas in 10 years?  What will this competition breed?  Science fiction type stuff.  I must admit, I can't think of a single friggin' thing that can be different about gas.  You can use gas as a refrigerant, so maybe air conditioning will become so cheap it's ubiquitous - like running water, indoor lighting, and fake boobs.  You could also use compressed natural gas as a hydraulic motivator.  Mechanized gas powered folding beds.  George Jetson shit where the bed wakes YOU up.  Or maybe instead of a garage your car just moves into a trap door on your lawn.  Speaking of lawn, you could have a gas fitting and run your lawnmower on it.  You could fill up your CNG powered car at home, making gas stations just places to buy smokes and dirty magazines.  Who the fuck knows?  CNG used as a refrigerant could super-cool your home computer and it would run so fast you'll shit yourself!

2. What the holy fuck will competitive electricity be like?  Here's where it gets exciting. Theoretically, the electric lines coming into your house have the biggest potential for computer bandwidth.  That's means an internet connection fast enough to actually be usable.  I mean, I've got a 500k/sec cable modem and I STILL have to wait for porn.  But the big juicy copper wires means maybe you could have 1000 channels of TV.  Or have video entertainment on demand - midget porn when you want it!  You could also have video phones that actually worked.  It'd be fast enough to have that gimmicky virtual reality shit they've been hyping for decades.  With gloves, vibrating genital suits and the whole magilla.  Then maybe you could really telecommute and not have to actually GO to work.  Let's see...what else can my fetid mind think of with electric? 

Maybe with divested electric, somebody will come up with a battery that actually works worth a shit.  Your cell phone would run for days!  Camcorder batteries would last longer than the tape!  Your laptop computer would run forever.  Maybe they will figure out how to mount the batteries inside your body, so anytime you need power you just plug a cigarette lighter into your ass.  Maybe our clothes will be electric, delivering small shocks to our body to make us stronger, make us healthier, live longer, and certainly keep our dicks hard on a 24/7 basis.  Think about it - permanently erect nipples!  Maybe all these ideas will merge and your body itself will be connected to a super fast network.  If you left nut wiggles, it means you've got email.  Maybe these electric clothes will be self-adjusting, and they will alert you when your fly is down.  Maybe they will be color shiftable, so if you spill soup on your shirt it will automatically adjust to the color of the soup. Maybe they will be self-cleansing, so no more pit-stains and you CAN CRAP IN YOUR PANTS ANY GODDAM TIME YOU WANT TO!!!

Anyway, it's fun stuff to think about.  Remember, we are all currently living in the past.  It is a proven FACT that 10 years from now you are going to look back on this week and think, "what the fuck was I thinking?" and it's proven also that you'll remark, "I can't believe we thought those clothes looked good, what a sap I was back then in 2003."  Take some time and try to think about what the future will actually be like.  It's good exercise for your mind.