|
WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON: Tobacco, Slavery, and
Big Boobs
By Kip
Amore
Since the war ended, which
was roughly as satisfying as a Brady Bunch movie, I've really had to think
about what it all meant and what actually happened. Not to be negative or
anything, but I can't see an upside other than the price of gas went down to
its already inflated price of about $1.30. Did you know that roughly 60¢ of
that is already tax? Why fight - just repeal the goddamn tax.
I honestly experienced a
paradigm shift because of this little war. Before it started, I thought
Americans were basically good people who will often do the right thing. I
was wrong. We are DOPES! Worse yet, we are DUPES! Collectively, we are
the beer swilling, monster truck racing, greedy, consumer dipshits the rest
of the world thinks we are. Gung ho for any form of violence with a theme
song. We friggin' suck. We entirely co-opted our press for this war and we
instituted censorship of thought (patriotic correctness) tossing an
important constitutional amendment out the window. I'm not talking about
stupid amendments like prohibition; I'm talking about top 10 Bill of Rights
stuff. Illegal search and seizure, right to a fair trial - ditched them
too.
Personally, I have no
moral problems with killing people over the price of gas, and rest assured
that's mainly what this was about. Well...that and numbnuts in the white
house couldn't get any good CNN footage out of attacking Afghanistan, so he
figured he'd make a show of beating the crap out of some country that WAS NO
THREAT! Taken in that light, it's no wonder those guys crashed the planes
into the buildings - I would too. Do you realize that gas in this country
is CHEAPER THAN WATER! What's a gallon of Aquafina cost? It's filtered tap
water fer chrissake, and it's more than a gallon of gas.
I don't have a problem
with that myself, but I recognize my own hypocrisy. Hell, I downright REVEL
in my own hypocrisy. I and I alone truly understand what this country was
founded on. Primarily tobacco. That's the only reason those pricks in the
funny hats came over here in the first place. Do you realize that in the
rest of the world American cigarettes cost 4 times as much as the domestic
product? And not because of tariffs, it's because we make the finest cancer
stick in the world. 10 out of 10 Frenchmen agree - there's nothing finer
than sticking a Marlboro in your tracheotomy ring.
This country was also
founded on slavery, class exploitation, lawlessness, religious fuck-you-ism,
and hot babes with big jugs. Think about it. It's 1850 and you are some
poor schmuck trying to get potatoes to grow on some godforsaken rock. You
have dreams. You have pie in the sky dreams. You have HAIR PIE in the sky
dreams. You want the big bouncing boobs of money and power, the fabled teat
from which to suckle the milk and honey. You wanna own slaves, man! Chicks
back then were into guys with slaves. They had to be, the Camaro hadn't
been invented yet. So you get on a boat and come over here. Instead of
being fucked all the time, you'd rather be the one doing the fucking. We
are a nation of pitchers, not catchers.
Push the fast forward
button on the Beta deck of time, and now we are bunch of whiney, wimpy,
knuckleheads who run to the UN crying "ouch, he hit me!" Wouldn't it be
better if we just could be honest with ourselves and say to the world, "You
attacked us. Instead of cloaking our actions in some watered down Disney
version of Christianity, we are going to spray the other 4 continents on the
planet with rockets." All we want is vengeance - why is that so hard to
get? There's a time for diplomacy, and a time to be a torch carrying
bloodthirsty mob. But you can't be both. You end up being neither.
The net result of all this
is, as usual, nothing. We didn't get Ossama Ben Franklin and we didn't
actually achieve victory in Iraq. By the way, did you know that most of
those Iraqis think that they are going to be the 51st state? Hell yeah they
do. That's why they dance in the streets. That's why they started looting
- they wanna be just like Los Angeles.
But the real downside? I
have to listen to that GODDAM FUCKING NEW SKYNNARD SONG. That song is on
the radio 4 times an hour, I swear it. That song sums up everything that is
WRONG with America. Morons expressing their patriotism. Wouldn't you
really rather be a Nazi? Say what you want about Nazis (and I can ‘cause
I'm a jew) but they sure were organized. Hell, all Nazis can't be all bad,
can they? And whatever else you think about Nazis, they were damn SNAPPY
DRESSERS! The envelope please....and the award for best dressed despotic
totalitarians goes to...those wacky jackbooted brown-shirts!
 |
