My whole life I've been subjected to sports, sports fans,
and annoying sports media hype and endless product endorsements. I was a
football fan…when I was 8! I outgrew it, right around the time I learned
spell my name. But as an adult I've gone from indifference about football,
to outright RABID HATE AND LOATHING!! And I've learned that while it's easy
and fun to attack football, it's even more fun to attack football fans
personally.
The average football fan is not only a beer swilling, ball
scratching dunderhead, he's also a latent homosexual and a mindless simp.
I say "he" because women tend to be honest football fans. If you find a
chick that likes football, she'll usually tell you why. "I like to look at
asses and nuts in spandex". I'm okay with that reasoning. So
pretty much all football fans are male.
And they are all idiots! What the hell would possess you to
waste even one second on that idiotic "sport". It isn't really even a sport!
It's WATCHING other people play a sport. And don't give me that crap about
"it's a fascinating display of athletic prowess". If it was, then you'd only
need to watch it once in your life.
But I really do think that avid sports fans are latent
homosexuals. Spandex aside, there's some kind of weird psycho-social thing
going on with sitting around with a bunch of guys and really getting into a
football game and actually giving a shit. And don't get me started on that
ass-slapping thing they all do. Get 10 guys in a room, put on a football
game, and it's only a matter of time before someone is blowing somebody.
But then males are prone to that kind of thing anyway. Look
at rap music as an example. It's all guys singing about their dicks. Is
there any other topic in rap music other than dicks? Is there a rap ballad?
Generally in music, you sing about vagina and how much you like it. "Fat
Bottom Girls", penned by guys who actually didn't even like girls, is a good
example of female genitalia worship in music. Where's the rap equivalent? Yo?
To me, football is like a soap opera. It's a pointless,
endless story that has no beginning, middle, or end. That's the definition
of a soap opera - it never has a resolution. Conflicts just get replaced by
other conflicts. Football is the same way; what do you win? Even if your
chosen team of homos wins every game and wins the Super Bowl, then what?
Tune in next week and we'll see if they can repeat it next year. Who gives a
fuck. Football has only one redeeming quality; you can gamble on it. Bookies
are everywhere, even online. If sports didn't exist, think of how
interesting betting would be. Election outcomes, Winona Ryder trial, number
of Afghans killed by collateral damage, outbreak of Ebola virus, and
whereabouts of Sally Struthers are just some of the exciting things we could
be laying a bet on if it weren't for football.
My personal idea of hell is to have some dipshit job that I
go to and do poorly, come home, get nagged for a few hours by the wife,
drink a can of Schlitz, and my only respite from this nightmare is 3 hours
of televised swordfight in spandex. I'd much rather be atop a building with
a high powered riffle sniping at innocent pedestrians, wouldn't you?
