Pass the Velveeta
My Favorite Cheesy Metal Bands
By Bob
Ignizio
“It’s such a thin line between stupid and clever.” –
Christopher Guest, ‘This is Spinal Tap’
I’ve always felt that quote nicely sums up the recipe
for good heavy metal lyrics. Pompous rock crits miss the point. You don’t
want Bob Dylan poetry to accompany music designed to pummel the listener
into submission. You want double entendres, dark fantasy and tales of
empowerment. When it’s done well, with wit and cleverness, the results
are some truly classic songs that resonate with an audience and stand the
test of time. Sure, some headbangers routinely cross “the line” and wind up
falling off the edge into Hell’s bubbling fondue pit of cheddar. But hey,
what’s so bad about cheese? I wouldn’t want a hamburger or pizza without
it.
AC/DC – Was there any obvious innuendo that these guys
missed? I don’t think so. From the early days with Bon Scott (“Whole Lotta’
Rosy”) to ‘Back In Black’, their breakthrough album with Brian Johnson (“Givin’
The Dog a Bone”) to their more recent works (“Stiff Upper Lip”), AC/DC have
consistently proven they have no shame. But it’s not like they try to pass
this stuff off as serious poetry. It’s all meant to be taken in a spirit of
good, ribald fun. Considering how long they’ve been around they must be
doing something right.
KISS – Alice Cooper and David Bowie proved that an
outrageous, theatrical image and great rock ‘n’ roll could co-exist. AC/DC
proved that double entendres could be handled with humor and style. KISS
proved that a few good riffs and a bass player who spits blood and fire
could sell more albums and concert tickets than all the well written lyrics
ever penned. Don’t get me wrong, I love the seventies KISS albums. But
songs like “God of Thunder” and “Calling Doctor Love” are pretty much the
definition of cheese. After the makeup came off, things only got worse.
Who can ever forget the classic Gene Simmons penned line, “I want to put my
log in your fireplace,” from the ‘Animalize’ album?
The Scorpions – You thought Spinal Tap’s “Sex Farm” was
an exaggeration? Listen to some of the Scorp’s albums from the seventies.
If any thought that wasn’t about rock ‘n’ roll or sex ever crossed the minds
of these balding Germans, it certainly wasn’t recorded for posterity on any
of their albums. And when it comes to having all the stereotypical rock
poses and stage banter down cold, no one can touch these guys. But damn if
they didn’t know how to construct some incredibly catchy pop/rock songs.
Early albums are justifiably held in high esteem by guitar aficionados, but
the lyrics are just as banal.
Ronnie James Dio – I know a lot of Dio’s fans will get
mad at me for including him, but come on. Dio pretty much invented the
whole ‘Swords & Sorcery’ subgenre of metal with songs about dragons,
rainbows, and vaguely sinister mystic mumbo jumbo. But his delivery has
such earnestness it’s hard not to buy into the whole fantasy world, if only
for the duration of an album. And there’s no denying that the man can sing,
or that he knows how to write a catchy rock anthem. As far as cheese goes,
Ronnie’s product is Grade A.
Venom – Heavy metal has had an association with the
forces of darkness ever since Tony Iommi played those first three ominous
notes of Black Sabbath’s signature tune. But from their very first album,
‘Welcome to Hell’, Venom took satanic imagery to a whole new level. Their
album covers were emblazoned with goat heads, pentagrams, and upside down
crosses. If they weren’t writing about traveling “To Hell and Back” or
announcing the arrival of the new subgenre of “Black Metal”, they were at
least writing about such unsavory topics as sex, drugs, and bloodthirsty
zombies rising from the grave. It’s debatable how serious the band was
about any of this, but there’s no denying that their first three albums
belong in the collection of any serious metal fan.
Manowar – Manowar basically followed Dio’s lyrical
path, but without any of the subtlety. If Dio’s lyrics are the musical
equivalent of ‘The Lord of the Rings’, then Manowar’s are like Robert E.
Howard’s ‘Conan’ stories set to the most bombastic heavy metal imaginable.
Manowar often sing about themselves in the third person, and every album has
at least one, if not more, song about how heavy metal they are, and how they
triumph over the persecutions of metal haters everywhere. They almost make
Spinal Tap unnecessary. Calling Manowar cheesy is like saying the Three
Stooges are silly. You’re just missing the point, and missing out on the
fun.
Motley Crue – If proof was ever needed that good lyrics
have no bearing whatsoever on record sales, Motley Crue provided it in
spades. Honestly, most of the words to emanate from Vince Neil’s vocal
chords weren’t even so bad they were funny, they were just bad. It hardly
mattered, though. Albums like ‘Shout at the Devil’ and ‘Doctor Feelgood’
still sound good to my ears. Just make sure you turn off your brain before
listening.
Exodus – Exodus really only has one album that belongs
in this category, but it’s a classic of its kind. The lyrics on ‘Bonded by
Blood’ were either written by high school kids who thought the devil was
really neat, or by a bunch of guys having a goof. I tend to think the
latter is true. My favorite line in an Exodus song comes from their
signature tune: “Get in our way, we’re going to take your life/Kick in your
face and rape and murder your wife.” Sure, it’s offensive, but there’s
just no way any sane person could take it seriously.
Monster Magnet – Probably my favorite band to come out
in the last 15 years or so. If Ralphie’s dad in ‘A Christmas Story’ worked
in obscenities the way other artists worked in oils or clay, Magnet frontman
and lyricist Dave Wyndorf does the same with cheese. He takes every rock
cliché, every B movie about bikers and big breasted babes, and every comic
book he’s ever read and creates something fresh and amazing. It’s so much
fun, especially in an era in which most music seems to have forgotten to
have any, that you just have to love it.
Cradle of Filth – If Azrael Abyss, the host of SNL’s
“Goth Talk”, ever fronted a band it would be Cradle of Filth. Vocalist Dani
Filth’s delivery, alternating between ear piercing screeches and deep basso
pronouncements, makes King Diamond sound almost ordinary. The band’s image
and album art make Marilyn Manson look like a bible salesman. Cradle’s
lyrics appear to be the result of mixing way too many Hammer horror movies
with the Marquis De Sade and Anton Lavey’s ‘Satanic Bible’. The end
result: great fun.
I’m sure I’ve made a few people mad with this article.
All I can say in my defense is that I enjoy each and every one of the bands
I’ve listed and do not look upon any of them with contempt. If anything, I
look upon the critics who expect rock bands to write lyrics that are
“poetry” with contempt. Heavy metal, like all rock & roll, should be a
visceral experience. If you’re spending more time pondering the lyrics of a
song than just singing along or moving to the beat, then you’ll never get
the real meaning of rock & roll, anyway.
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