Utter Trash--Movies

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since July 2002

Compilation tape

The packaging for this made it look like another home video project expanded into a full movie. You know, the kind where a few people spend the weekend making a movie, press it on a few DVDs and bam!, they have their first feature film to sucker people into buying. Well, luckily for us, this is not one of those. This is actually a 90 minute clip fest, strewn with images from horror movies, porn, old TV shows, cartoons and a lot of assorted other strange material. And I must say, that this is one of the most entertaining party tape things I have seen in a long time. Very similar to those ‘Best Of Sex and Death’ tapes from the early 90's. We get movie clips from ‘Street Trash’, ‘Deadly Spawn’, ‘The Garbage Pail Kids’ movie, ‘Rawhead Rex’ and a lot of other titles. See Sylvester Stallone rapping like a fucking moron. See a lot of nudity and sex. See gore. See some douchbag jump off a roof and land on his head. It's all here and it's funny as fuck. I liked how they had sections where all sorts of different clips would run but they would all be related in some weird theme. Gross, funny and exciting and I couldn't think of a better way to spend $14. Order from: crazydavetape@yahoo.com (Edward Black)

‘Decadent Evil’ (2005, Wizard)

Directed by Charles Band

This latest release from Full Moon Video subsidiary Wizard is pretty much standard late night cable fare. You know, strippers, vampires, some light lesbianism, and just enough plot to hold it all together. Hey, I’m not proud, sometimes that’s enough for me. If all you’re looking for is a light dose of boobs and blood that won’t strain your brain, then this ought to do the trick. If you’d like something genuinely erotic or creepy or (heaven forbid) dramatically intriguing, however, you can pretty much skip this one.

Morella (Debra Mayer) is head of a vampire clan. She needs just 3 more victims to become invincible. Her underlings Sugar (Raelyn Hennessee) and Spyce (Jill Michelle) work at a strip club, where Spyce procures victims for her mistress. Sugar, on the other hand, has fallen in love with a mortal named Dex (Daniel Lennox). Morella had a fling with a human once, too, but it ended badly when she caught the guy cheating on her. To get her revenge, she turned the guy (Marvin) into a homunculus, an ugly little puppet she now keeps locked up in a bird cage. Before his transformation, though, Marvin managed to spawn a “little person” son, Ivan (Phil Fondacaro). With the help of Sugar’s boyfriend, Ivan manages to track Morella to her lair where he intends to give the fanged fiends a bad case of heartburn courtesy of the wooden stakes he keeps in his trench coat.

That pretty well sums it up. While the production values are top notch and the actors competent, there’s just no reason for this to exist other than the boobs and blood. On that level, the movie delivers, though not in any great amount. Like I said earlier, this is late night cable material, so neither the sex or the violence goes too far over the top. Hardly the sort of thing one would go out of their way to see. And at little more than an hour, there was easily room for either beefing up the story a little or emphasizing the exploitation elements more. If you’re bored and this comes on Skinemax, what the hell. Otherwise, skip it. (Bob Ignizio)

‘The Devils Rejects’ (2005, Lions Gate Films)

Directed by Rob Zombie

Rob Zombie's prior horror film, ‘House Of 1000 Corpses’, was a mildly successful piece of garbage that made enough money to give him the go ahead to make this semi sequel. Most of the cast return for this, with some new cameos/ small performances from genre staples including Ken Foree, Michael Berryman, Ginger Lynn, etc. Unfortunately, I did not get to see this opening night due to some prior engagements, but I did see it a few days later. Between the time it came out and the time I saw it, it got a lot of real positive reviews, talking about its "no holds barred approach to horror" and the "unrestrained gore" and its "brutality". So, yeah, I was hyped to see this. Too bad it is a generic piece of garbage. And it commits the worst cinematic offense possible. It is boring. BORING. Halfway through, I couldn't wait for it to end.

The film follows the Firefly family and their adventures after a violent police raid on their home. Their mother is captured and they are on the run. Oh yeah, this one is as boring as it reads. Hostages are taken and degraded, people die, we meet more assorted weirdoes and there are boobs. Basically, this is a retread and homage to (actually a rip off of) countless roadtrip movies and backwoods dumb fuck family movies. There are a few funny jokes and Michael Berryman is really funny. I also liked seeing Priscilla Barnes naked and degraded. And Willian Forsythe is fantastic as the vengeful policeman, especially at the end when he completely snaps. But that's it.

Too much of the movie wanders around pointlessly, filled with non plot. Far too much time is wasted on junk dialogue. And whoever talked about the no holds barred horror and the gore and violence is a fucking retard because there is no good gore. No good effects. And no good action. The gun fights are clumsily staged. There is a disturbing lack of blood. The one good scene, a cross rip off of ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ and ‘Final Destination’, had potential, but it cuts away too fast and we only see the hideous aftermath. Even an axe to the head is clean and almost bloodless.

I was completely let down and now I am sure that people who review movies for newspapers have no idea what horror is. I don't hate this movie simply because there is no gore. I don't like it because I was bored out of my mind for 90 minutes and felt completely ripped off. The two best scenes are Tiny dragging the corpse through the woods at the beginning and the montage/end, which plays while “Freebird” blasts over the soundtrack. So basically, we get a few random good parts in a mess of bad parts. It should have been called ‘The Devils Retards’. Skip it. (Edward Black)

‘A Dirty Shame’ (2005, New Line)

Directed by John Waters

I’ve enjoyed every feature film John Waters has made, from his early ultra low budget shock fests like ‘Multiple Maniacs’ and ‘Pink Flamingos’ to the bigger budgeted and almost family-friendly ‘Hairspray’ and ‘Cry-Baby’. Not all of his movies have blown me away, but I never feel like I’ve wasted my time watching any of them, and ‘A Dirty Shame’ is no exception. Still, this is definitely lesser Waters. Despite the NC-17 rating, ‘A Dirty Shame’ is not a true return to Waters’ roots. It was intended to get an R rating, and in my opinion that’s what the uncut version should have gotten. The material is edgy, to be sure, but not the full on assault against good taste and decency that die hard Waters fans might have been hoping for when they saw this rating.

Tracy Ullman is a sexually repressed housewife who, when hit upside the head, becomes a raging nymphomaniac. Johnny Knoxville plays a “sexual healer” who has been gathering disciples, and he believes Ullman will be the chosen one to come up with a sex act never performed before. Much of the movie consists of various straight laced characters encountering Knoxville’s disciples, who are all defined by their sexual kinks. The funniest of these are the three “bears” (hairy gay men, for those who don’t know). There’s also a guy with a dirt fetish, a guy who likes to “upper deck” (leave bowel movements in the tank of a toilet), and run of the mill swingers. It sounds like the plot could go into explicit territory, but Waters never shows anything. He just has his characters talk about it. Apparently for Waters, the idea of his character’s fetishes in and of themselves is funny enough.

And that’s where the problem comes in, I guess. In Waters’ best films, he’s firmly on the side of the outsiders, no matter how depraved they may be. Here, he seems to be having a laugh at their expense much of the time. Plus, the whole getting hit on the head thing quickly becomes tiresome. It would be one thing if Ullman was the only character this applied to, but it turns out that Knoxville and all his disciples had their libidos set loose by similar knocks to the noggin. When the movie falls into the old cliché of repeated hits to the head knocking characters back and forth between personalities, it just feels like a cheesy vaudeville routine. There are enough good gags to offset this silliness to a degree, but overall ‘A Dirty Shame’ falls short of what I hoped it would be. It’s a marginal Waters film, somewhere on the level of his ‘Serial Mom’ and ‘Polyester’. Good for a few laughs, but hardly worth repeat viewings. (Bob Ignizio)