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 Let’s
face it. Times are tough. Movies are expensive. I’ve got a lot of work to
do. I really don’t have much time to get out and see the movies I want to,
much less the ones that look like total crap. But I just love writing about
movies. Should the fact that I haven’t actually seen the film stop me from
reviewing it? I don’t see why it should. I present to you my new column:
At the Movies I Haven’t Seen.
‘Boat Trip’ is the
ingeniously titled brain child of Cuba Gooding Jr. and Saturday Night Live
funnyman Horatio Sanz. The two came up with the idea while they were
playing shuffleboard on a straight cruise ship in the Pacific. They decided
to turn the conventional heterosexual cruise experience on its head by
writing this ribald script about a couple of Joe Sixpack fellas who
inadvertently set sail for Queersville.
After Sanz’s character
Jesco inadvertently crosses an evil travel agent, he and his friend Wayne
(Gooding) end up on one of those gay cruise lines you see advertised all the
time. In a misunderstanding of Three’s Company sized proportions, the guys
think that there are hot chicks on the boat. But they’re actually dudes in
drag. Hilarious!
Once they realize their
predicament this Sturgesesque farce goes full throttle. “It’s a real roller
coaster thrill ride of laughs,” declares Bob Gillis of PAX TV. Again I must
stress that I personally haven’t seen it, but if Bob Gillis thinks it a gut
buster I’m sure it’s good.
After some awkward
scenes wherein Sanz misunderstands the meaning of the term “Glory Hole,” the
guys devise an elaborate scheme to get off the ship. Unfortunately, when
Jesco’s check bounces, the evil travel agent puts a voodoo curse on it and
the life raft springs a leak and sinks. So Jesco and Wayne are stuck on the
ship and forced to enjoy the on board entertainment of accordion wielding
comedienne Judy Tenuta.
Shortly after this
tensions are eased over some drinks as our heroes learn a lesson that the
gays aren’t so bad after all and everyone enjoys a good cruise much to the
chagrin of the evil travel agent (Lorne Greene, who incidentally is
“sufficiently menacing” according to Pat Farrar of Cigar Aficionado
Magazine)
A little known fact
about Boat Trip is that it’s actually a remake of that one Love Boat episode
with Special Guest Stars Liberace, Rip Taylor, and Starsky and Hutch. I
would say that this is one remake that’s better than the original, but I’ve
never seen that Love Boat episode either. I did see the one with Pam Grier
on it though. That was great!
Hollywood sure has come
a long way in it’s portrayal of blacks and Hispanics. I’m sure it pleases
civil rights groups all over this country to see a black and a Mexican (he’s
chunky to boot) belittling homosexuals for our entertainment. Whites have
had this privilege for over 100 years of cinema. Hell, even werewolves have
been able to crack homo jokes for years now (witness ‘Teen Wolf’.) So
really this is a movie that should be rewarded for its bravery. Bravo
Hollywood. You’ve done it again. You’ve made another movie that I have
absolutely no interest in.
The idea of actually
going to see Boat Trip is about as appealing as eating all that shellfish
that caused hundreds of people to vomit out half of their organs on that
Disney cruise last summer. Perhaps, I’ll check it out some late night as
I’m flipping through the cable movie channels, but only if there’s no soft
core booby movie on Cinemax. Until next time, I probably won’t be seeing
you at the movies.
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