Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Another Damn Awards Show

It’s time once again for the only awards show that matters.  That’s right, it’s the third annual Bob Ignizio Movie Awards, or to put it more succinctly, "The Bobbies”.  Not only do I pick all the winners, I make my own, far more interesting categories.   I'm actually running about a week late this year (normally I try to get out in front of the Golden Globes), so without further ado let’s get on to the awards.  Note:  there may be spoilers if you haven’t seen these movies.  Deal with it.

Best Apocalypse – What could be more entertaining than the deaths of billions of people and the desperate attempts of the few survivors to carry on?  Armageddon was all the rage in Hollywood in 2009, a trend that shows no signs of slowing down any time soon. 

1. Knowing:  The planet gets reduced to a glowing cinder by solar flares.  But hey, it’s alright, because space angel thingies save a handful of kids. 

2.  2012:  Director Roland Emerich (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) does what he does best:  he blows shit up.  The end of the world as a roller coaster ride.

3. The Road:  A man and his young son try to hold on to some semblance of morality in a grey and lifeless world. 

And the winner is… Look, if this were about cinematic quality, The Road would take the award easily.  And for thoroughness, only Knowing completely and totally destroys the planet.  But for sheer mayhem and entertainment value, I’ve got to give the “Bobbie” to 2012.

True Story My Ass Award – Nothing tells you to expect an onslaught of bullshit more reliably than the words “based on a true story” attached to a movie.  For proof, you need look no further than the nominees in this category.

1.  Paranormal Activity:  Thrill to actual scenes of people sleeping.  Gasp as unlikable characters argue with each other.  It’s like the most annoying episode of Ghost Hunters ever, and even more bogus.

2.  The Fourth Kind:  This time we get “re-enactments” mixed in with the supposedly real footage of people being tormented by unknown forces.  Mila Jovovich tries really hard to convince us that what we’re watching is true, but no one is that good of an actor. 

3.  Public Enemies:  This is a more conventional kind of Hollywood bullshit.  Normally when you change the facts for a movie, it’s to make the story flow better or otherwise make a more dramatic and interesting film.  Here the results seem to be just the opposite.  Reading Dillinger’s Wikipedia page is more exciting than this movie.

And the winner is… The Fourth Kind.  I’m used to horror movies using the “based on a true story” gimmick.  Most of the time, it’s done with a wink and falls well into the tradition of carny ballyhoo.  But The Fourth Kind really goes the extra mile to try and convince audiences that its bullshit is the truth, to the point that it borders on the irresponsible.  But I guess if you make a movie like this one, you’ll do anything you can to draw attention away from how bad it is.

Best Nude Scene – This one is always a crowd favorite here at the “Bobbies”.  Unfortunately, either I was watching the wrong movies or there wasn’t as much nudity in last year’s films.  Still, I think I managed to find a few worthy moments of cinematic nakedness.

1.  Black Dynamite: Black Dynamite (Michael Jai White) services three lovelies at once.

2.  Antichrist: Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg make love in the shower during the beautiful and tragic opening scene.  Special credit to the actors who provided the stunt genitalia.

3.  My Bloody Valentine: When people use the term “gratuitous nudity”, this is what they’re referring to.  Actress Betsy Rue spends a good 5 minutes or so running around completely in the buff while being chased by a psycho with a pick axe.  In 3D, no less.

And the winner is… Antichrist.  Whatever you may think of the movie as a whole, there’s no denying the opening scene is a stunner, expertly contrasting eroticism and true horror.  This isn’t cheap titillation (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but a rare example where the nudity really is necessary to the script. 

(sorry, this is just the trailer.  I'm trying to keep this blog PG-13)

Best Death – Death is the great equalizer, but some deaths are more equal than others. 

1.  The Burrowers: Characters have their innards liquefied while they’re still alive before being eaten by mutant moles.  

2.  Watchmen: Rorschach gets turned into an ink blot by Dr. Manhattan.

3.  Trick R Treat:  A kid gets some bad Halloween candy, then gets turned into a human jack o’lantern.

And the winner is… Trick R Treat.  In the classic tradition of fairy tales and E.C. horror comics, this rotten rugrat disrespects the traditions of Halloween and pays a suitably ironic price. 

Best Musical Moment – Music and the movies have gone together since the silent era, when films used to be accompanied by live organ players.  It’s a combination that still works to great effect today.

1. Anvil:  The Story of Anvil:  After a series of setbacks that would have stopped many a lesser band, Canadian metalheads Anvil play before a huge crowd in Japan.

2.  Gamer:  Michael C. Hall’s dance number to the tune of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”.

3.  Watchmen:  The opening montage set to the tune of Dylan’s “The Times They Are A Changin’” is so perfect, even people who hate the movie love this sequence.

And the winner is… Anvil:  The Story of Anvil.  For sheer perseverance alone, these guys deserve some kind of an award.  I don’t think they’re the best metal band out there, but they seem like nice enough guys, and certainly worse bands have had greater success.  May their moment in the spotlight last long enough that they can save up a few bucks.

(embedding of the trailer was disabled, so you'll have to follow this link to see it)

Best Performance in an otherwise terrible movie – Why do bad movies happen to good actors?  Times are tough all over, and even last year’s Oscar nominee can wind up in this years bomb when the mortgage on that million dollar house is due. 

1.  Mila Jovovich in The Fourth Kind:  Yes, it’s a terrible movie.  But Mila still gives her all as a psychiatrist dealing with an outbreak of alien abductions in Alaska.

2.  Brad Douriff in Halloween 2:  I think Douriff is just about incapable of giving a bad performance.  He’s done good work in a lot of bad movies.  This is one of the worst he’s been in, but he still comes out of it with some measure of dignity.

3.  Mickey Rourke in Killshot:  An Elmore Leonard adaptation with a cast that included Rourke, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Diane Lane, directed by John Madden (Shakespeare in Love), and with Lawrence Bender and an uncredited Quentin Tarantino producing.  How did this wind up being so awful?  My guess is it was the reshoots ordered by those fucking morons the Weinstein brothers.  At least Rourke’s performance is worth watching.

4.  Carrie Fisher in Sorority Row:  I thought this horror remake was pretty bad, but Carrie Fisher is great in a supporting role as a bad-ass house mother.

And the winner is… Carrie Fisher for Sorority Row.  Come on, Hollywood, give Princess Leia more work.  She definitely proves that she’s got what it takes to be a kick-ass character actress here.


Miss Cleveland 1979 said...

I'm always a big fan of The Bobbies...even though my eyes always want to read "The Boobies".

However, no matter how much I want her to be awesome (Oh, Fifth Element), Mila Jovovich is just the pits.

The Film Connoisseur said...

I agree with you 100% on 2012, that movie has so much distruction in it, that I doubt any movie will be able to top it. I mean, what else can they do that wasnt done in that movie? We even see a train coming out of a freaking mountain in the middle of a freaking earthquake!

I gotta check out The Fourth Kind as soon as it hits DVD.

I havent seen Antichrist, but wow, if that scene tops that extremely over the top nudity scene in My Bloody Valentine...well, then its gotta be good. Im willing to be that it was Antichrists artistic value that made it win the boobie!

Bob Ignizio said...

@ Miss Cleveland - I think she's a good actress, she just picks crappy movies to be in. Did you ever watch 'Ultraviolet'? Ugh.

@ The Film Connoisseur - If you gotta' check out 'The Fourth Kind', I guess you gotta', but I wouldn't recommend it.

And yes, it was definitely artistic merit that got 'Antichrist' the nod. It's an amazing sequence that is likely to shock most viewers on a few different levels. The scenes in 'MBV3D' and 'Black Dynamite' are both stellar, though. 'Black Dynamite' would actually have been the runner up for the part where Black Dynamite says, "Shh, mama, you gonna wake up the rest of the bitches," and the camera pans down to show us that not only did he service the three girls we already saw, but two more.

Marguerite Arotin said...

Love the Bobbies and the categories
:-). Didn't see any of the flicks but I do want to rent Black Dynamite on a night when the munchkin's sleeping over a friend's house